L'esprit d'escalier

I’m allowing this cos it’s kind of witty and even though he said it at the time it was 20 years ago so from our point of view it’s belated. Okay?

stairwaywit — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:55:05 +0000

“At a cinema in London twenty odd years ago I was watching the latest James Bond film. Halfway through the film the sound went off and we all sat there restlessly watching the silent screen. Eventually people started cat calling and yelling out until one wag, famously, said “Oh right…., for your EYES only” Which was of course the title of the film. It brought the house down. Not esprit d’escalier but a situation where nothing more needed to be said.”

Bob, The Past

Oversensitive menopausal pedestrian is spared death threat

stairwaywit — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:47:29 +0000

“Driving slowly through a parking lot
I got yelled at by a fifty something
woman in a red hat.

“PEDESTRIAN!”

I was pretty far away from her, it
seemed odd to be yelled at like that.

I thought of two comebacks later;

“DEAD PEDESTRIAN!”

or;

“POSTMENOPAUSAL PEDESTRIAN!”

John, (location not given)

Christopher does not profit from pun delay

stairwaywit — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:42:17 +0000

“I was working for a not-for-profit in Chicago, IL, standing at the receptionist’s station and waiting for a client to arrive when Todd and Tom – two particularly efficient employees crossed paths in opposite directions whizzing past me and the receptionist without a word. At the time I think I said, “Wow, better watch the crosswalks!” or some equally inane filler. What I regret not having said in the moment was, “Tom and Todd wait for no man.” Rats.”

Christopher T.
Chicago, IL

Vulgar uncreative individual has rubbish friends

stairwaywit — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:40:10 +0000

“I had a huge quarrel with a couple of friends the other day. Immature as they were, they would not tell me why they were so cross with me all of the sudden. Apparently they wanted me to figure out for myself – but I’m sure that there was some kind of misunderstanding ’cause I’ve done nothing wrong.
In the heat of the fight, all I could say was something vulgar and uncreative and then I left.
“A few minutes after, I thought of a pretty nice comeback: “Yes, I admit, I was wrong. *dramatical pause* It’s my fault that I have such bad taste in friends.”

Martina, Unknown Location

Cowardice prevents vegetarian offence

stairwaywit — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 17:57:33 +0000

‘While eating at a rather posh vegetarian restaurant we were having a banquet, the waitress arrived at the table with a palenta. Noticing my unfamiliarity with the dish,she asked “Have you had palenta before”

‘Had i not been in such polite company i should have said “Is it anything like placenta?”

‘I still regret my cowardice to this day.’

Liam – Melbourne, Australia

Software Developer’s Wit Stuck in First Gere

stairwaywit — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 17:21:24 +0000

“a recent mail to all in an office (of apparently sharp software developers):

“If anyone needs to do a jar build this afternoon can you give me a shout, I need a guinea pig for something fun ”

He gets back some boring OKs as opposed the rapier like:

“I’m sure Richard Gere can help you there mate”

thought of it in the pub after work. I wish I worked in a pub….”

Andrew, Unknown City

Helpful co-worker sacrificies gag on the altar of slowness

stairwaywit — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 14:23:54 +0000

“Whilst working a busy shift behind my bar a (hopefully) inexperienced member of staff sidled up to me and said “This is probably a stupid question but what’s bitter?”I replied “Err… That’d be a pint of John Smith’s” instead of something along the lines of “Heather Mills at a Hop-Scotch tournament.”

Matt, Eaglescliffe

Entire cinema denied chance to savour half assed pun

stairwaywit — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 11:04:49 +0000

The other day someone i know said that she went to see Joy Division bioEpic ‘Control’. The film started and got a little of the way in – and then broke, they started it up from the beginning but had the same problem…

Somebody quicker of wit, should (that’s the point of this right?) have said, maybe in haunting baratone,

all together now,

ready?..

“She’s lost Control again”.

Rob, Cardiff

Major prick evades rebuke from indecisive undergraduate

stairwaywit — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:21:33 +0000

During orientation for my work-study job at Northwestern University, an uppity skinny theater major dude with bad hair turned to me and growled “I’m John. I don’t know your name.” How blunt, I thought. “Matt,” I replied. He asked me my major and I answered “Undecided.”

“Undecided, that’s scary,” John sneered. “I wouldn’t spend $50,000 a year to be undecided.”

“I wouldn’t spend $50,000 over four years to be a theater major,” I didn’t reply. Instead I simply turned away and reflected on what a prick he was.

-Matt, Evanston, Illinois

Out-quipped by elderly man

stairwaywit — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 19:48:31 +0000

“It was about ten past nine on a Tuesday morning. I was on my way to the shops and had to wait by the traffic lights to cross the road. I stood beside an elderly gentleman as a car bolted past at a startling pace.

“The elderly man quipped, “That’s a funny looking 30 miles an hour.” I just chuckled politely.

“As I descended the stairs into the shopping centre, I realised I should have added, “That’s an ‘Oh god, I’m late for work’ 30 miles an hour’”.”

Paul, Surrey