“At a cinema in London twenty odd years ago I was watching the latest James Bond film. Halfway through the film the sound went off and we all sat there restlessly watching the silent screen. Eventually people started cat calling and yelling out until one wag, famously, said “Oh right…., for your EYES only” Which was of course the title of the film. It brought the house down. Not esprit d’escalier but a situation where nothing more needed to be said.”

 Bob, The Past

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“Driving slowly through a parking lot
I got yelled at by a fifty something
woman in a red hat.

“PEDESTRIAN!”

I was pretty far away from her, it
seemed odd to be yelled at like that.

I thought of two comebacks later;

“DEAD PEDESTRIAN!”

or;

“POSTMENOPAUSAL PEDESTRIAN!”

John, (location not given)

“I was working for a not-for-profit in Chicago, IL, standing at the receptionist’s station and waiting for a client to arrive when Todd and Tom – two particularly efficient employees crossed paths in opposite directions whizzing past me and the receptionist without a word. At the time I think I said, “Wow, better watch the crosswalks!” or some equally inane filler. What I regret not having said in the moment was, “Tom and Todd wait for no man.” Rats.”

Christopher T.
Chicago, IL

“I had a huge quarrel with a couple of friends the other day. Immature as they were, they would not tell me why they were so cross with me all of the sudden. Apparently they wanted me to figure out for myself – but I’m sure that there was some kind of misunderstanding ’cause I’ve done nothing wrong.
In the heat of the fight, all I could say was something vulgar and uncreative and then I left.
“A few minutes after, I thought of a pretty nice comeback: “Yes, I admit, I was wrong. *dramatical pause* It’s my fault that I have such bad taste in friends.”

 Martina, Unknown Location

 

‘While eating at a rather posh vegetarian restaurant we were having a banquet, the waitress arrived at the table with a palenta. Noticing my unfamiliarity with the dish,she asked “Have you had palenta before”

‘Had i not been in such polite company i should have said “Is it anything like placenta?”

‘I still regret my cowardice to this day.’

 Liam – Melbourne, Australia 

“a recent mail to all in an office (of apparently sharp software developers):

“If anyone needs to do a jar build this afternoon can you give me a shout, I need a guinea pig for something fun :)”

He gets back some boring OKs as opposed the rapier like:

“I’m sure Richard Gere can help you there mate”

thought of it in the pub after work. I wish I worked in a pub….”

Andrew, Unknown City

“Whilst working a busy shift behind my bar a (hopefully) inexperienced member of staff sidled up to me and said “This is probably a stupid question but what’s bitter?”I replied “Err… That’d be a pint of John Smith’s” instead of something along the lines of “Heather Mills at a Hop-Scotch tournament.”

Matt, Eaglescliffe