August 2007

“I was working in the kitchens of a hotel when the famously well-hung head waiter Nigel came in and told me “I just got an eight pound tip!”
To which I replied “Good God man, how much did the rest of it weigh?”. Sadly Nigel was already rushing out of the kitchen and didn’t hear me.
A waitress did titter, so it wasn’t entirely wasted, but I still feel cheated out of my best ever willy-related retort.”

Ben, UK


“I drive a Hyundai Coupé. Quite a sporty car. The other day my director from work was driving home behind me in his dinky little Peugeot. At the lights he overtook me and shouted through the window ‘you know Hyundai make microwaves as well?’. I think I said ‘that’s great’ or something rubbish.

“Just after he went the opposite way I thought ‘yeah and I bet they’re damn fast microwaves too’.”

David, Cardiff

“During a phone call, one of my friends told me that their day had been
ruined by several accidents involving water.

“It was only after I hung up the phone I realised that the perfect thing to
say in this situation was “H2O? More like ‘H2 no'”. I can only imagine what
my life would now be like had I thought of this at the appropriate time.”

James, Leeds

“Once at school one of the irritating, self satisfied popular characters was being particulary cocky and attempting to flirt with our pretty music teacher. I was sat nearby and discussing that oh-so-common teenage horror, BRACES. Having overheard, Mr Popular interjected with : “MY teeth are perfect”. Left speechless with this example of arrogance and vanity I managed to mutter “yeah right” before realising that “A shame about the rest of you, then” would have deflated him (although probably not for long..)”

Lindsey, London

“Last week I was in the car with my girlfriend. in a traffic jam, a taxi driver behind us kept beeping. When he finally got past us on the outside, he shouted through the window, “Get a smaller car!” I shouted back “Yeah mate!” or something lame. 10 seconds later I realised I should have said, “Get a bigger penis!”

“Oh well.”

Dan, London

“Years ago, I worked at Clarks Shoes. I was happily hoovering up the shop floor when a female colleague informed me that I hoover ‘like a woman’. It took a few hours to realise the obvious reply to this was, ‘Well, how else would I do it?’. This still haunts me now.”

Ben, Manchester

“A couple of years ago I was waiting for a train
when a feckless wannabe gangsta came up to me, stood WAY too close and
started making gross slurping noises at me. I tried to ignore him. Then he
asked me, “Does you swallow?”

“I knew I ought to come up with the perfect witty, incisive retort that would
make him realise the error of his ways, teach him a thing or two about
respecting women and get it into his thick skull that with that sort of
approach he was never going to get a blow job from anyone other than his own
right hand. But the only thing I could think of was to scream, “Go fuck

“A few minutes later I realised that, “I bet you do” would have been much
more effective.”

Samara, Harrow

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