In the workplace


“I was working for a not-for-profit in Chicago, IL, standing at the receptionist’s station and waiting for a client to arrive when Todd and Tom – two particularly efficient employees crossed paths in opposite directions whizzing past me and the receptionist without a word. At the time I think I said, “Wow, better watch the crosswalks!” or some equally inane filler. What I regret not having said in the moment was, “Tom and Todd wait for no man.” Rats.”

Christopher T.
Chicago, IL

“a recent mail to all in an office (of apparently sharp software developers):

“If anyone needs to do a jar build this afternoon can you give me a shout, I need a guinea pig for something fun :)”

He gets back some boring OKs as opposed the rapier like:

“I’m sure Richard Gere can help you there mate”

thought of it in the pub after work. I wish I worked in a pub….”

Andrew, Unknown City

“Whilst working a busy shift behind my bar a (hopefully) inexperienced member of staff sidled up to me and said “This is probably a stupid question but what’s bitter?”I replied “Err… That’d be a pint of John Smith’s” instead of something along the lines of “Heather Mills at a Hop-Scotch tournament.”

Matt, Eaglescliffe

“I was working in the kitchens of a hotel when the famously well-hung head waiter Nigel came in and told me “I just got an eight pound tip!”
To which I replied “Good God man, how much did the rest of it weigh?”. Sadly Nigel was already rushing out of the kitchen and didn’t hear me.
A waitress did titter, so it wasn’t entirely wasted, but I still feel cheated out of my best ever willy-related retort.”

Ben, UK

“Years ago, I worked at Clarks Shoes. I was happily hoovering up the shop floor when a female colleague informed me that I hoover ‘like a woman’. It took a few hours to realise the obvious reply to this was, ‘Well, how else would I do it?’. This still haunts me now.”

Ben, Manchester