“At a cinema in London twenty odd years ago I was watching the latest James Bond film. Halfway through the film the sound went off and we all sat there restlessly watching the silent screen. Eventually people started cat calling and yelling out until one wag, famously, said “Oh right…., for your EYES only” Which was of course the title of the film. It brought the house down. Not esprit d’escalier but a situation where nothing more needed to be said.”

 Bob, The Past


During orientation for my work-study job at Northwestern University, an uppity skinny theater major dude with bad hair turned to me and growled “I’m John. I don’t know your name.” How blunt, I thought. “Matt,” I replied. He asked me my major and I answered “Undecided.”

“Undecided, that’s scary,” John sneered. “I wouldn’t spend $50,000 a year to be undecided.”

“I wouldn’t spend $50,000 over four years to be a theater major,” I didn’t reply. Instead I simply turned away and reflected on what a prick he was.

-Matt, Evanston, Illinois

“I was working in the kitchens of a hotel when the famously well-hung head waiter Nigel came in and told me “I just got an eight pound tip!”
To which I replied “Good God man, how much did the rest of it weigh?”. Sadly Nigel was already rushing out of the kitchen and didn’t hear me.
A waitress did titter, so it wasn’t entirely wasted, but I still feel cheated out of my best ever willy-related retort.”

Ben, UK

“I drive a Hyundai Coupé. Quite a sporty car. The other day my director from work was driving home behind me in his dinky little Peugeot. At the lights he overtook me and shouted through the window ‘you know Hyundai make microwaves as well?’. I think I said ‘that’s great’ or something rubbish.

“Just after he went the opposite way I thought ‘yeah and I bet they’re damn fast microwaves too’.”

David, Cardiff

“Last week I was in the car with my girlfriend. in a traffic jam, a taxi driver behind us kept beeping. When he finally got past us on the outside, he shouted through the window, “Get a smaller car!” I shouted back “Yeah mate!” or something lame. 10 seconds later I realised I should have said, “Get a bigger penis!”

“Oh well.”

Dan, London

“A couple of years ago I was waiting for a train
when a feckless wannabe gangsta came up to me, stood WAY too close and
started making gross slurping noises at me. I tried to ignore him. Then he
asked me, “Does you swallow?”

“I knew I ought to come up with the perfect witty, incisive retort that would
make him realise the error of his ways, teach him a thing or two about
respecting women and get it into his thick skull that with that sort of
approach he was never going to get a blow job from anyone other than his own
right hand. But the only thing I could think of was to scream, “Go fuck

“A few minutes later I realised that, “I bet you do” would have been much
more effective.”

Samara, Harrow

“I was once kicking a rugby ball around with my girlfriend and a guy (you know the type, obsessed with football, can’t understand any other sport’s appeal) walked past and said ‘your ball’s the wrong shape, play the national sport’.

“and I said ‘this is much more fun’.

“later I realised I should have said ‘we would play football, but all the rolling around crying is too tiring’.”

Jez, Oxford