The other day someone i know said that she went to see Joy Division bioEpic ‘Control’. The film started and got a little of the way in – and then broke, they started it up from the beginning but had the same problem…

Somebody quicker of wit, should (that’s the point of this right?) have said, maybe in haunting baratone,

all together now,

ready?..

“She’s lost Control again”.

Rob, Cardiff

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During orientation for my work-study job at Northwestern University, an uppity skinny theater major dude with bad hair turned to me and growled “I’m John. I don’t know your name.” How blunt, I thought. “Matt,” I replied. He asked me my major and I answered “Undecided.”

“Undecided, that’s scary,” John sneered. “I wouldn’t spend $50,000 a year to be undecided.”

“I wouldn’t spend $50,000 over four years to be a theater major,” I didn’t reply. Instead I simply turned away and reflected on what a prick he was.

-Matt, Evanston, Illinois

“It was about ten past nine on a Tuesday morning. I was on my way to the shops and had to wait by the traffic lights to cross the road. I stood beside an elderly gentleman as a car bolted past at a startling pace.

“The elderly man quipped, “That’s a funny looking 30 miles an hour.” I just chuckled politely.

“As I descended the stairs into the shopping centre, I realised I should have added, “That’s an ‘Oh god, I’m late for work’ 30 miles an hour’”.”

Paul, Surrey

“My friend Laura and I both have partners who speak the beautiful tongue that is Welsh as a second language. We noticed that when they switch to Welsh they tend to shift their voice up a key and sound meek and super polite and we were lightly mocking them in their presence.

“A while after this conversation I realised that what I should have said was ‘They sound really sheepish’. I’m sure I would have been met with a male voice choir’s worth of laughter….”

AR, Cardiff

“I was working in the kitchens of a hotel when the famously well-hung head waiter Nigel came in and told me “I just got an eight pound tip!”
To which I replied “Good God man, how much did the rest of it weigh?”. Sadly Nigel was already rushing out of the kitchen and didn’t hear me.
A waitress did titter, so it wasn’t entirely wasted, but I still feel cheated out of my best ever willy-related retort.”

Ben, UK

“I drive a Hyundai Coupé. Quite a sporty car. The other day my director from work was driving home behind me in his dinky little Peugeot. At the lights he overtook me and shouted through the window ‘you know Hyundai make microwaves as well?’. I think I said ‘that’s great’ or something rubbish.

“Just after he went the opposite way I thought ‘yeah and I bet they’re damn fast microwaves too’.”

David, Cardiff

“During a phone call, one of my friends told me that their day had been
ruined by several accidents involving water.

“It was only after I hung up the phone I realised that the perfect thing to
say in this situation was “H2O? More like ‘H2 no'”. I can only imagine what
my life would now be like had I thought of this at the appropriate time.”

James, Leeds